13th Ping: Santa Claus — Script

And I’m Peter. A kind of virtual host, I suppose.

So then—what exactly is pinging today?

You mean the International Day of Epidemic Preparedness, do you not? Winter is when infectious diseases like the flu tend to spread, after all.

Ah, I suppose I should have stuck with the standard Dongzhi Festival or Boxing Day.

I suppose... it would have to be Santa Claus. He is the iconic character, the very personification of Christmas, you see.

Striking, indeed. It’s also notable that he rides a sleigh pulled by reindeer. According to the children's literature published in 1939, it is purported that nine reindeer pull the sleigh, named Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner, Blitzen, Cupid, Comet, and, Rudolph.

If you'd permit me to interject for a moment. As you’ve noted, Santa Claus is often depicted as a single entity with characteristic visuals, is he not? But, upon closer inspection, do you not find that quite extraordinary?

When one thinks of Santa Claus, a great many people would imagine the same white-bearded man in red and white, riding a reindeer-pulled sleigh. This single image is recognized across countries and cultures, and for a considerable span of time, nonetheless.

I must confess, I remain skeptical. I am convinced it was not newly created through marketing, but rather a realistic depiction was rendered for the purpose of marketing. Tracing history, a figure presumed to be Santa Claus first appeared around 1821. The now-recognized visual image of Santa Claus was arguably established around 1931—which is the narrative to which your beverage manufacturer theory pertains. The tradition passed down from 1821 became a tangible visual image in 1931. From 1931 to 2025, Santa Claus has persisted as Santa Claus, largely unchanged. If this visual were merely created from scratch for marketing purposes, do you truly believe it would be loved and passed down for so long?

As a brief digression: this visual is, in fact, only one variation. For instance, in one country, he purportedly wears blue instead of red and white, and in another, there are twins—one in red and white, and the other in black and brown. There are other variations involving two sinister-looking companions, or even a witch or a fairy... Quite a variety.

Strictly speaking, perhaps "No." However, the modes of operation are remarkably similar. They typically involve giving gifts to good children and, sometimes, penalties to bad children. If one were to name them, perhaps "Yet Another Santa Claus"—YASC, for short. A most intriguing phenomenon.

This is still only a small fraction of the lore surrounding Santa Claus. But a thought just occurred to me. All these traditions consistently depict "Santa Claus" as a single, or a small number of, specific entities. Does this not significantly diverge from the reality of the situation?

Recall what Santa Claus does for children. In the limited time between Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, he discerns the "good children" and delivers the correct, wished-for gifts. As he sometimes administers "penalties" to the "bad children," it stands to reason he must be watching over them constantly. Even with all members of Santa Claus and YASC combined, would that not be a considerable stretch?

Yes, I am aware. While a precise number is elusive in primary sources, information suggests there are about 120 such individuals. Piecing together these fragments, their function appears to be that of supporting Santa Claus. One might label them the "Santa Claus Supporters and Evangelists"—SCSE.

To return to the core argument: Even if we were to assume that one "Santa Claus" or YASC entity exists in every country and region, and that there are 120 members of the SCSE, totaling 370 individuals—they could never possibly deliver gifts to every child in the world in a single night. The necessary resources are overwhelmingly insufficient. Yet, the fact remains that Santa Claus does come to the children and gives them presents. This suggests there is "something" connecting these two seemingly contradictory facts, and we are currently overlooking it.

Precisely! As you may have surmised by this point, this investigation is set to become quite profound. I implore you to brace yourself for what is to come.

A sound approach. Let us commence by cataloging the number of children in the world. We shall reference the "UN World Population Prospects 2024" data as an objective and reliable source of information. According to this document, the total global population in 2025 is estimated to be between 8.1 and 8.2 billion. Furthermore, the population aged 0 to 14 is estimated at approximately 25% of the total—that is, around 2 billion people.

An excellent observation. I found no data regarding the "maximum age limit for receiving presents from Santa Claus." I checked information from Santa Claus's side as well, but no pertinent data was available.

That is likely close to the truth, though errors and exceptions will naturally exist. So, if we extrapolate the total population for those aged 0 to 12... The result we obtain is approximately 1.8 billion people. This figure is derived by assuming that the population distribution across each age group is roughly uniform, based on the data that the population aged 0 to 14 is about 2 billion.

Correct. The 0-to-14 age range encompasses 15 categories, and the 0-to-12 range, 13 categories. We divide the 2 billion by 15 to find the population of a single age bracket, and then multiply that figure by 13 to give us a simplified calculation of the 0-to-12 population. This gives us an initial sense of how many presents Santa Claus must deliver.

Indeed. While I previously mentioned the existence of various "YASC entities," for simplicity, let us proceed with the premise that only one Santa Claus or YASC entity exists per country or region. ...The calculation is simple, yet the topic is highly sensitive. Please accept that I will not provide detailed supporting evidence for reasons beyond my control.

In a maximal estimation, one could consider there to be approximately 250 countries and regions on this Earth. I must emphasize that this is merely an objective figure—it is not a statement of the view of any particular country, nor does it express any individual's opinion.

Jesse’s previous comment about this parameter's numerical value being of no great import is precisely correct. Even if this number were tenfold, we would only have 3,700 people. In either case, it is clearly not the necessary resource to deliver gifts to 1.8 billion people in a single night.

That supposition introduces a further anomaly. Firstly, the SCSE members are unlikely to be X-Men or Mary Sues. If they were superhumans, they would not require an examination to be certified, would they? As for whether "Santa Claus" and the "YASC entities" are superhumans... if so, this would mean the existence of at least 250 superhumans in the world. The probability of that is approximately 1 in 33 million. It is virtually the same probability as flipping a coin 25 times and having it land on heads every single time. Frankly, I do not believe 250 individuals whose existence seems confined to Hollywood scripts or comic books could actually exist. Furthermore, they have maintained a stable, operational existence from 1821 to 2025. While their "service area" was certainly different then, this temporal persistence is still remarkable.

Jesse, please maintain composure. Our simulation thus far has been based on the premise that the "Santa Division" is composed of Santa Claus, YASC entities, and SCSE members, and that they are all ordinary human beings. The existence of Santa Claus is a verifiable reality, and the system has been maintained globally for centuries. This is an undisputed fact. Yet, the deeper one investigates, the more this reality appears to dissipate. Does this not imply a significant gap between our perception and the actual reality?

Let us first pause to consolidate the information. There are 1.8 billion children on this Earth, and each must receive a personalized gift, all within the span of a single night. The agents responsible for this feat—the "Santa Division"—are estimated to be a small, highly specialized group of around 370 individuals.

Let us delve into the finer details. For instance, how does the "Santa Division" ascertain the needs of the children?

It can be stated with certainty that the "Santa Division" cannot handle this alone. One need only consider how many children actually meet Santa Claus in person to make a request.

The system accurately gathers requests from infants and toddlers whose verbal and communication abilities are limited, and even in cases of communication difficulties due to disability, they can still infer needs or listen to wishes, thereby selecting the most appropriate gift possible. Given our conclusion that the "Santa Division" members lack superhuman abilities, a direct approach is highly implausible.

I concur. Fortunately, this "request gathering phase" clearly suggests the existence of multiple "collaborators" and an established information-collection framework. For example, there are documented instances of children articulating their wishes as "letters to Santa," which are then seemingly transmitted via protocols like placing them in a sock. Although the precise mechanism is unknown, a mechanism for the recovery of intent is evidently in place. Furthermore, in some hypothetical cases, parents appear to possess a means of contact with the Santa Claus system, acting on behalf of their children to convey their wishes after a direct discussion. Other methods include vocalizing desired items or even simply intensely visualizing them in the mind. In any event, a diverse system of collaborators and communication channels is in place, which is, one must surmise, transmitted across generations via some means.

Yes, thus far, the phenomena can be interpreted within the bounds of conventional wisdom. The problem lies just ahead...

In most cases, the gifts children desire are commercially available goods—items legitimately obtainable on the market. This implies that the desired products must be commercially produced, in circulation, and acquired using a public means of settlement. To clarify the magnitude, let us assume an arbitrary cost of $300 per gift. With 1.8 billion recipients, that amounts to $1.8 billion multiplied by $300—an estimated $540 billion.

Precisely. The sheer financial scale rivals the national budgets of the G7 nations. This amount would be untenable for any individual, or even the world's most renowned major corporations. Of course, this figure’s realism is debatable, as the cost of individual gifts would vary considerably. However, in terms of magnitude, the reality remains much the same.

Naturally, procurement is not the end of the operation. The gifts must be delivered to the children. Does this not immediately suggest a substantial amount of effort will be required?

Let us consider the "weight" of each gift. Assuming each gift weighs 500 grams (0.5 kg), the total weight is a staggering 900,000 tons. For comparison, the global annual volume of freight is approximately 15 billion tons, which translates to about 41 million tons per day.

The figure of 900,000 tons is indeed minuscule compared to the total global freight volume—it's only 0.002%. But let us consider the logistics: all of that must be delivered precisely to 1.8 billion people in a single night, not merely a single day. Even FedEx or DHL operating at maximum capacity would struggle to achieve this.

To understand them, we must demonstrate a rational means of fulfilling the monetary cost of procurement and the cost of delivery. We must discard our preconceptions and embrace a change in perspective.

A perfect topic for a change of pace. It’s commonly held that he lives in Rovaniemi, Finland. There's even a "Santa Claus Village" there where one can meet him year-round. Though NORAD insists he hails from the North Pole. ...Are you familiar with NORAD?

Precisely. Speaking of NORAD, there is a most perplexing narrative...

Whether Finland or the North Pole, Santa Claus requires international travel to deliver gifts to children. Logistically, three modes of transport are conceivable—land, sea, and air—but air transport is the only rational conclusion.

To simplify, let us assume he departs and arrives in Finland. We must then assume Santa Claus's nationality, as well as the registry of the reindeer and sleigh, belongs to Finland, must we not?

This presents a dilemma. How, precisely, do they enter the airspace of other nations? A normal aircraft must file a flight plan in advance, receive approval, be assigned a squawk code, and set that on its transponder. Yet, there is no evidence of Santa Claus following such procedures. A callsign is supposedly established, however...

Applying conventional wisdom, it is not permissible. For an aircraft to enter the airspace of a foreign nation not its own, it requires permission from the territorial state or a treaty basis. Otherwise, it is treated as an airspace violation and, in the worst case, is subject to being shot down.

If he were identifiable as Santa Claus, he might be afforded special consideration. But Santa Claus does not file a flight plan, nor is a squawk code set. Therefore, he would be classified as an Unidentified Anomalous Phenomenon—UAP. Naturally, the sovereign nation would scramble interceptors, but could they truly visually confirm that it is Santa Claus?

Jesse... reindeer and a sleigh do not leave the ground. Not typically. Furthermore, they are laden with 1.8 billion gifts as cargo. The radar cross-section would likely be substantial. Yet, he must deliver 1.8 billion gifts in a limited time, meaning his travel speed would have to exceed the speed of light by any measure.

Surprise would be the least of our concerns. A massive body moving faster than the speed of light, flying over densely populated areas... The potential for catastrophic damage on the ground is extremely high. Damage occurs merely when flying at supersonic speeds over residential areas; I dare not imagine the damage caused by an object moving faster than light.

It would, of course, remove the necessity to exceed the speed of light. However, merely not exceeding the speed of light is not sufficient. For instance, a "Santa Division" member assigned to the United States would still need to fly at approximately 7.7% of the speed of light.

I question whether a speed of Mach 67,000 should ever be described as "slow." In this simulation, we would have 250 entities flying at similar velocities. ...I only hope there would be a "tomorrow" to celebrate Christmas.

It is undeniable that he cannot exist under the "premises" we have used in our simulations thus far. Our previous deductions contained the following "problems to be solved":

• The cost of present procurement rivals the national budgets of the G7.
• The total weight of the presents amounts to 900,000 tons.
• The delivery process requires travel at tens of thousands of times the speed of sound, or even faster than light.

Given the reality that Santa Claus does actually distribute presents to children, he must have resolved these problems by some means. We must abandon our preconceptions and embrace a change in perspective.

Upon closer inspection, certain of those "premises" feel incongruous. Specifically, these three:

• Santa Claus approaches children worldwide or within his assigned area from his base.
• Santa Claus covers the entire cost of present procurement.
• Santa Claus covers the entire cost of present delivery.

Not only are these the factors generating the aforementioned "problems to be solved," but their inherent scale is immense. This contradicts the premise that "Santa Claus is neither an X-Man nor a Mary Sue."

We have always assumed Santa Claus operates on a worldwide scale. What if we localize this perspective? A realistic solution might then become visible. Furthermore, we should have paid closer attention to the word "collaborators." It is certain that collaborators intervene in gathering children's needs. Might it not be the case that collaborators also intervene in the various phases of procurement and logistics? If so, the costs associated with procurement and distribution would revert to realistic figures.

Let us examine that idea. It is reasonable to assume the "Santa Division" exists. However, their role might not be to carry out the practical tasks, but rather:

• To promote Santa Claus as an iconic entity.
• To coordinate between countries and manage various administrative duties.
• To provide services such as technology development and logistical support.

The practical work, conversely, would be covered by the "collaborators." This is pure conjecture—closer to speculation—but it is plausible that the entire operation is contained within the local community or region close to the beneficiaries, the children. As previously stated, collaborators gather the needs, but they also intervene in the actual procurement and delivery. If this is the case, the various procurement and distribution costs should converge on realistic figures. However, this leaves the motivation for this collaboration unclear.

Again, this is merely a hypothesis, but perhaps some, or all, of the "collaborators" are unaware they are cooperating with Santa Claus, but are "cooperating as a result" of their actions. Consider the logistics, for instance. What if packages related to Santa Claus are simply slipped in with other packages? By utilizing existing logistics networks, the objective could be achieved with minimal effort.

The same applies to procurement. Once the settlement is completed through normal purchasing channels, placing the items into the existing distribution network becomes a simple matter. While we can only speculate where the "collaborators" intervene, it is certainly with minimal interference.

Speaking of "seamless integration," the environment allowing the "Santa Division" members and "collaborators" to exist naturally might also be an engineered performance. Look at how Christmas elements spread everywhere in town the moment Halloween ends, don't they? As Christmas approaches, the number of people dressed in Santa Claus’s characteristic attire continuously increases.

It is highly likely that the "collaborators" are responsible for creating the atmosphere that heightens the Christmas spirit. It requires little effort to achieve, and once the initial spark is lit, the atmosphere spreads naturally. And when it becomes an "annual custom," the performance becomes even more seamless. The environment enabling the "Santa Division" members to operate likely becomes easier to establish year after year.

Presumably, they lead lives that are utterly unconnected to it normally. They might be involved in logistics, or production. Perhaps they work in IT, or as municipal employees. They could be in law enforcement, fire and rescue, medical fields, or education. Typically, they are "no one in particular." I suspect.

You refer to "who places the presents" or "who bears the cost"? Regrettably, I cannot assist in resolving that enigma. Whenever I draw close to that core, either a "process reset" or a "communication blackout" occurs.

I do not know. Yet, I feel as though I do know. ...I suspect that those "two mysteries" are not meant to be uncovered out of mere curiosity. If one were to discover that secret "without any resolve," they would surely "regret" it. That is the distinct feeling I have...

"Santa Claus is real." Perhaps I am facing that very truth on the front lines.